When I used to have a car and live in a more remote area, there were times when I would drive for 30 minutes or more without seeing one other vehicle. I would often find myself thinking, “This is what it’s like to be the last person on Earth.” Music up, windows down. Freedom.

Although lonely, it is an exciting thought. I can do anything I want. Anything. Go anywhere I want. Anywhere.

I would see the headlights of another vehicle coming around the corner up ahead and quickly snap out of this last man on Earth fantasy.

I’m not the last person on earth anymore, but does that really matter?

I’m still free, and I can still do what I want, and go any place I desire. Outside forces (like all humans being gone) really have absolutely nothing to do with it.

Fantasy becomes real life in that instant, and it’s a beautiful thing.

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Note: This is a very personal post. I’m actually pretty uncomfortable publishing it, but I feel like you all have been so much of a part of this journey so far it would be wrong to not share it. Plus, uncomfortable seems to be my thing lately. I’m sure many of you can actually relate to it. Here we go.
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You know that feeling when you you’re drawn towards something but you’re not really sure why? It could be a person, it could be a place, it could be some sort of journey to an unknown destination.

I do.

Despite the fact that I’ve barely done any traveling in my life so far, I feel pulled to certain places. I feel drawn to this journey of walking across America that I begin in just 76 days. It’s truly unexplainable for me at this point. I’ve been trying to figure it out for upwards of a year now. Maybe it will come to me somewhere along those many, many miles.

The definitive answer to WHY never came but I decided to pull the trigger anyway.  Sometimes you just need to go for it and then worry about the details later.

This pull to strange and different things is exciting, but it also has it’s devastating side.

For the last few months I had been pretty stressed out and depressed. This is the first I’ve mentioned it to anyone. I hadn’t been sleeping well, nothing really interested me very much (except this push to explore) and I was basically treating those close to me like shit. Unenthusiastic about life describes it pretty well, and that is NOT the normal me. In short, I was trying to outsmart this pull I feel to move and do crazy stuff like walk 4,000 miles. Didn’t work.

If you do not know already, me and my girlfriend Ashley parted ways about a week ago. It’s been tough, really tough. People aren’t supposed to break up when they still love eachother so much. I want to thank all of you who reached out to me with your support, I was honestly quite overwhelmed.

But why end things with a girl I love who also happens to be my best friend? Because of this pulling feeling. It scares the hell out of me. I’ve been really down the last few months because I know how unpredictable it is. What if I finish walking across the country and it’s not enough? What if Peru pulls me, or Thailand, or India, or any other place far away?

Do I just say, “Sorry, I’m heading to Thailand for a few months, mind waiting around for me even longer?”

And what if THAT isn’t enough to get whatever this is out of my system?

You can see the disastrous effect this could have. I care about Ash more than I can even describe, so I couldn’t stand the thought of doing that to her. She has dreams of her own, there’s no point in putting them on pause and waiting for me while I’m out doing whatever I’m doing.

A few things about the pull, and what happens when you let it take over:

You can’t distract yourself from it. No amount of alcohol or other distractions (more like destructions) will make it go away. Tried it, big mistake. I was depressed because none of it worked.

You will feel like you’ve let a lot of people down. This has been the hardest part. Her family are the most INCREDIBLE people ever. Kind, welcoming and downright hilarious, I’ll miss seeing them all the time. Hopefully they’ll be following along as I go and stay in touch often.

You’re going to be scared out of you’re freakin’ mind. This just comes with the territory when you do something different.

You will feel guilty. I had it all: A nice place to live, a girlfriend who cared about me and could cook (that’s the way to my heart, people), two great pets, a nice car and a job that I liked going to. Perfect, right? Well, yeah. Who in their right mind passes that up? The answer: me. I blame it on the pull.

Someday everything will come together and I will want all that good stuff. I do want to get married and have little Nate’s running around. This isn’t me avoiding that kind of life or insulting it in any way, it’s me putting it off until it feels right and I can put all of my effort into making it great.

As I drove away from our beautiful little apartment with all my stuff in my car for the 2 hour drive to my mom’s place, I wanted to turn around. I wanted to go back to what should be perfect and comfortable every second of the way.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Forward is the only way to go. The pull is in charge now.

We’ll see where it takes me.

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Have you experienced anything similar to this? Have any advice to share? Please do so below in a comment.
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In order to have any real success when trying to improve yourself, you need to be your own therapist.  It’s quite a task, to say the least.

No amount of personal development blogs and books will help you until you ask yourself WHY.

An example: In the past I would do the oh my goodness someone who I kind of sort of know is coming I think I’ll pull out my cell phone and look down at it so I can avoid eye contact and maybe they won’t engage me in a conversation that could be kind of awkward and ahhh what if I don’t know what to say?! Thank you cell phone from rescuing me. Heaven forbid I have to actually speak to another human being, thing.

What kind of freak does that? And Why?

That’s the exact question I asked myself. After getting over myself and acknowledging that I was a total tool, some interesting truths came to the surface.

I did it because my social skills weren’t there. I didn’t know how to use body language, eye contact and stuff like that. I wasn’t confident because I had nothing exciting going on in my life, so I felt unworthy of taking up this persons time.

Bam. There are things to work on right there. Get busy, self.

All of the personal development blogs and books in the world won’t help you unless you can do this. Get deep inside your thought process(es), as disturbing and embarrassing as they may be, and get over yourself. Ditch the pride and realize you need to get to work.

This will laser focus your efforts. You will know exactly what issues need your attention. Why read about how to improve your productivity by 1,000,000 percent when the real problem is your confidence, right?

Just a quick tip from me about something I’m passionate about. If there’s one thing I’m proud of so far in my life, it’s the level of personal development I’ve achieved over the last two years. What I just told you helped me an incredible amount.

So get to work. Freak.

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