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Note: This is a very personal post. I’m actually pretty uncomfortable publishing it, but I feel like you all have been so much of a part of this journey so far it would be wrong to not share it. Plus, uncomfortable seems to be my thing lately. I’m sure many of you can actually relate to it. Here we go.
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You know that feeling when you you’re drawn towards something but you’re not really sure why? It could be a person, it could be a place, it could be some sort of journey to an unknown destination.
I do.
Despite the fact that I’ve barely done any traveling in my life so far, I feel pulled to certain places. I feel drawn to this journey of walking across America that I begin in just 76 days. It’s truly unexplainable for me at this point. I’ve been trying to figure it out for upwards of a year now. Maybe it will come to me somewhere along those many, many miles.
The definitive answer to WHY never came but I decided to pull the trigger anyway. Sometimes you just need to go for it and then worry about the details later.
This pull to strange and different things is exciting, but it also has it’s devastating side.
For the last few months I had been pretty stressed out and depressed. This is the first I’ve mentioned it to anyone. I hadn’t been sleeping well, nothing really interested me very much (except this push to explore) and I was basically treating those close to me like shit. Unenthusiastic about life describes it pretty well, and that is NOT the normal me. In short, I was trying to outsmart this pull I feel to move and do crazy stuff like walk 4,000 miles. Didn’t work.
If you do not know already, me and my girlfriend Ashley parted ways about a week ago. It’s been tough, really tough. People aren’t supposed to break up when they still love eachother so much. I want to thank all of you who reached out to me with your support, I was honestly quite overwhelmed.
But why end things with a girl I love who also happens to be my best friend? Because of this pulling feeling. It scares the hell out of me. I’ve been really down the last few months because I know how unpredictable it is. What if I finish walking across the country and it’s not enough? What if Peru pulls me, or Thailand, or India, or any other place far away?
Do I just say, “Sorry, I’m heading to Thailand for a few months, mind waiting around for me even longer?”
And what if THAT isn’t enough to get whatever this is out of my system?
You can see the disastrous effect this could have. I care about Ash more than I can even describe, so I couldn’t stand the thought of doing that to her. She has dreams of her own, there’s no point in putting them on pause and waiting for me while I’m out doing whatever I’m doing.
A few things about the pull, and what happens when you let it take over:
You can’t distract yourself from it. No amount of alcohol or other distractions (more like destructions) will make it go away. Tried it, big mistake. I was depressed because none of it worked.
You will feel like you’ve let a lot of people down. This has been the hardest part. Her family are the most INCREDIBLE people ever. Kind, welcoming and downright hilarious, I’ll miss seeing them all the time. Hopefully they’ll be following along as I go and stay in touch often.
You’re going to be scared out of you’re freakin’ mind. This just comes with the territory when you do something different.
You will feel guilty. I had it all: A nice place to live, a girlfriend who cared about me and could cook (that’s the way to my heart, people), two great pets, a nice car and a job that I liked going to. Perfect, right? Well, yeah. Who in their right mind passes that up? The answer: me. I blame it on the pull.
Someday everything will come together and I will want all that good stuff. I do want to get married and have little Nate’s running around. This isn’t me avoiding that kind of life or insulting it in any way, it’s me putting it off until it feels right and I can put all of my effort into making it great.
As I drove away from our beautiful little apartment with all my stuff in my car for the 2 hour drive to my mom’s place, I wanted to turn around. I wanted to go back to what should be perfect and comfortable every second of the way.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Forward is the only way to go. The pull is in charge now.
We’ll see where it takes me.
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Have you experienced anything similar to this? Have any advice to share? Please do so below in a comment.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for sharing so honestly Nate. It takes guts and encourage to follow your heart and you’re doing just that. I’m looking forward to reading more about your adventure.
Jen x
Very rarely do people write such genuine, personal posts like this. Kudos to you for being so “real.” I remember Cody’s post a handful of weeks ago about breaking up with his girlfriend, and Ash’s more recent post titled, “The 67 Emotions of Online Success: My Story.” Your update yields the same kind of shock-and-appreciation effect for me.
A lot of people don’t understand “the pull” and what kind of sacrifices may or may not be endured as a result of following/succumbing to it. Stay strong, and just know that everything happens for a reason, and with a little drunken parkour, you can keep your spirits high.
That’s my trick, anyway. Ha! Will give you a call soon.
ap
You have of course done the right thing and it is something most people never really have the guts to do. The pull has destined two of my own relationships to the same fate. Right now all I want is change, change my job, change my location and change my life, I think my mum might find herself getting a similar visit in the not too distant future.
You’re doing what most people don’t. Following that pull. We all have it somewhere within us. Most of us don’t go all Forrest Gump with it and walk across the U.S., but everyone has a pull to do something greater than most people end up ever doing.
The ones who don’t follow their pull end up just reading about those who do and pining away for the courage to do the same.
It seems hard now, but the difficulty of regret is a far worse punishment. Let me know if I can help with anything.
Nate,
I believe The Pull is a primal thing. My first encounter with The Pull began while I was in high school. I started searching. And back then, I thought I knew what I was searching for. I later learned that there are many layers and experiences that must be revealed before you begin to understand The Pull that calls you to start the journey.
For you, the journey begins as a walk across America. But that journey, my friend, is only a metaphor for what it represents in your life. I’m guessing that while you’re walking and contemplating your life, you’ll begin to catch glimpses of your real journey. But don’t expect to have all the answers when you return. I suspect you’ll be supremely satisfied about what you’ve accomplished. But I’ll be surprised if “The Pull” is gone.
For me, Nate, The Pull is ever present but I’ve gotten so much better at managing it so that my life is stable and wonderful. But there is always the threat of everything being over-turned as the urge to “walk” becomes too powerful to ignore. The Pull knows that I know it’s lurking around. It’s content to allow me to ignore it for now while I achieve other goals, but sooner or later, it will grab me again and push me in a new direction. It’s exciting and frustrating at the same time.
Just remember one thing, Nate, if you are actually answering the call of The Pull, then you’ll never know life without it. Learn to make it your ally, not your enemy, and your life will be pure magic in ways you’ll never be able to explain or even talk about.
There are unspoken realities and truths out there, Nate. Take your walk… start your journey with an open mind. But when you take your first step, you’ll leave “ordinary” behind forever.
Best Wishes!
Scott
Hi Nate,
what a mind blowing post. Oh, my I can totally “see you”, surrendering to the flow of life.
I too am shi* scared and frightened. I did left behind 5 star life in Dubai and returned to my home land Slovakia 3 years ago. After 19 months in posh consulting job, I quit and let the pull took me to following my dream and that is why I am running a movement in Slovakia, called NGLS-Next Generation Leaders of Slovakia. I am officially unemployed, living with parents and creating slide-decks and then travel around country and talk to emerging leaders, students and those who dare to take resposibility in their hands.
I simply cannnot live otherwise, at the moment. Inspiring others to be better than they think they can be is my pull…
Scared, marching mostly alone and trusting the process that things are the way they suppose to be.
Happy journey Nate.
HUG
i.
What an incredible post!!! You HAVE to listen to that pull. Can you imagine if you didn’t, the amount of regret you would feel for the rest of your life? Follow that pull and I promise EVERYTHING will work out in the future. It will work out because you followed the path you’re supposed to be on.
Nate,
As hard as the parting with the comfort zone and the ones you love might have been, it was the right and responsible decision. The Pull can’t be ignored however much you try to. If you had ignored it, it could possibly have messed up the ones you care about too. So don’t feel guilty about it. It is the right decision.
Take care and all the best!
Wow I was/am so there.
I also felt the pull and had no idea why, wondered what was wrong with me, why couldn’t I just be happy?
I left someone of 5 years. You will feel guilty and selfish and that you are incredibly self-centered.
And then something changes. You never know why you felt the pull or what you are looking for but things start to slowly come together.
I’m 9 months in and the guilt is gone and I no longer feel selfish. I have no idea where I’m headed but I know I’m going in the right direction.
I know you are too.
Nate-
Everything always works out in the end.
Have faith in that inner pull.
Despite appearances, it’s the only logical thing you have to go on.
Most everyone has some kind of pull, but the difference is that they ignore it.
You’re doing just fine.
Wow, this is a great and honest post. I really enjoyed it. I can relate to the “pull” – the feeling of having to go out there, explore, challenge your boundaries, change the world… It is an empowering feeling but also a challenging, scary one.
However, I don’t agree with you that you have to part with your loved ones in order to embark on a journey. You can do a long distance relationship (which is what I’m in), and it’s not ideal, but both people *can* work it out so they are following their dreams. Think about it: your life will likely be more than 70 years long. During this time period, if you’re apart for a few months or even years, is it the end of the world? If you find someone you love so much, I don’t believe you should give up without trying to make it work first.
@ jen – Thanks as always :-)
@ alan – Cody’s and Ashley’s posts were big motivators for me to do this. I honestly would have rather just kept to myself but I figured if they can do it then I probably can. And yes, drunken Parkour. It simply does not get better than that. We definitely need to chat soon dude!
@ dan – Thanks man. I guess it does take some guts, so I’m pretty proud of myself for doing what needed to be done even though it wasn’t easy. And a visit to mum? There are certainly worse things in the world!
@ james – My thoughts exactly. Regret for not doing this is something that I NEVER want to experience. Thanks for the continued support my friend.
@ scott – Wise words from you once again. You are right about it being a journey. Overanalyzing things like this is not the way to go. One day (or one step) at a time! Thanks, Scott. Hope you and Tammy are well.
@ ivana – Thanks so much. I checked out what you’re working on with the NGLS, what an amazing thing. Keep up the good work!
@ andi – I appreciate the encouragement! And I can feel that I’m on the right path right now, no doubt about it :-)
@ isabel – You’re totally right, can’t be ignored. I’ve found out what happens when you try to ignore it and that it’s not pretty. Thanks!
@ayngelina – Glad to hear that from someone who’s been there before me. Thanks for taking the time to share!
@ ash – I have all the faith in the world! I owe you about a million thank yous for inspiring me for the past however many months it’s been to embrace the fact that I think differently and need to follow this path. You rock, obviously.
@ akhila – Thanks so much for sharing your views on the long distance idea! That’s fantastic that you’re making it work for you. I thought about that, but our paths are just do dramatically different that I don’t think it would work. Hard to explain in a little comment I guess but yeah. Nevertheless, thanks for stopping by! I appreciate it.
THANKS EVERYONE!
The pull … never really tried to put a term to it but in my lifetime its felt like my heart beat, very primal like someone posted already.
I quit everything in my life 3 times to follow this pull, moved thousands of miles, to live with strangers in unglamourous conditions, isolated for months, on my own, communicating in different languages, living from the generosity of human nature and giving back – yet every cell of my body was somehow satisfied. Yes, freaked. Yes, let someone down. Yes, felt guilt – at that time perhaps.
But I built a foundation to who I am, did not compromise to meet society’s expectations,and as a result I can honestly say that I am true to myself, I have nothing to prove to anyone else, I am who I am, and perhaps rarely said – I know who I am.
Scott’s words are true that now “you’ll never know life without it” – I’d venture to say that its within us like our DNA. I hope you feel proud of your pull – unique, just like your laugh, your smile, YOUR contribution to the world.
Needless to say you have chosen an unusual venture. Sounds exciting, perhaps ambitious, but do it. I highly doubt you will regret it, in fact you may never live a day where you aren’t thankful you did……. so, a lot of heavy thoughts and I almost envy the experience you have that will strengthen your spirit. Just please be safe and I hope you’ll blog us with you on your journey? ….
@ ronda – I am proud of it! And thanks for sharing some of your story, quite inspiring, I appreciate that a lot. As for blogging on the journey, absolutely. Check out http://www.natewalksamerica.com!
“If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.”
~ Abraham Maslow
No such fate for you, Nate. We don’t get a choice about the pull. Our choice is whether we resist it, or go with it freely. You’re making the choice to be all you can be. It’s the brave choice; and the one that ultimately leads to the most fulfilling life. You legend.
Nate, what you are doing takes courage and guts and will leave you fulfilled! Kudos to you for sharing. Here are three quotes to inspire you as they have inspired me.
“If you are willing to do what’s hard, life will be easy” – Harv Eker
“The only time you are actually growing is when you are uncomfortable” -Harv Eker
“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” -Robert Fritz
I’ve felt this way, too, and I’m feeling it again. It’s much better to do the thing that’s pulling you than to stuff it in a box and try to ignore it–I’ve tried that, and it just keeps coming back out. Every time, I feel like I’ve wasted more of my life since I thought about it last. Screw it, this time I’m doing it. Go you for figuring this out now rather than years from now.
@ lach – Thanks for posting that quote and for the continued support man!
@ lora – Those are going right in the ‘Quotes’ text file that I keep on my computer. Sweet! Thanks.
@ cara – You’re absolutely right about it always coming back, and when you look at it that way it makes action inevitable for those of us who can’t stand to wonder What If? Thanks for stopping by!
Dude, I just found your blog a a few weeks back when I was looking at job stories. Your honesty and drive make your entries great reads. Feeling despondent sucks, but the pendulum swings both ways.
hey dude, just stumbled upon your blog.
I recently made the leap, year and a half in, and it has been challenging, lonely, inspiring, surprising, and somuchfun! I understand the place you are currently in, and like everyone has previously said, it gets better. Feel free to check a recent post of mine out, basically a reflection on the tough choices and sacrifices one must make to change their life, but how i couldn’t keep living how I was:
http://traveltilmyhomeisfound.blogspot.com/2010/07/freedom-and-other-reflections.html
I think this experience is more common than we think.
All the best to you, and can’t wait to read about the journey and new experiences…You are gonna meet some amazing people on the road!
Michelle
@ jeff – Thanks dude glad you came across the site!
@ michelle – Checked out your blog and that post, very good stuff! You rock. And thanks for the encouraging words!
Hi nate, Thanks for checking out the blog. I’m really looking forward to reading about the walk. Will you be coming through Idaho or Wyoming at all? I love the idea of joining in the experience for a few miles. Did you know that John Muir walked 1000 miles to the gulf of Mexico? You are on your way, dude!
Hi Nate, just found your blog. Glad I did.
The pull, ahh yes, it’s something I’ve felt my entire life but never recognized till lately. I mistook it for dissatisfaction and believed it was the pull _towards_ the very things I was in fact longing to leave behind. I struggled for years and years trying to become happy and ignore the wanderlust inside, but it only led to depression, failed relationships, stress, and illness.
Now I’ve finally acknowledged it and taken the consequence: Quit my hob, sublet my appartment for two years, shed my stuff, and now I’m off – June 1st – to live as a digital nomad. Luckily my family and friends have been extremely supportive, guess they had enough of seeing me always down and depressed. And yes, I wasn’t treating them too well at times either. I know what you mean.
My best and only trick is this: Stop looking for answers. Start asking questions in stead. The answers will come when you stop chasing them.
I will be travelling the States for a while, hope to meet you somewhere on the road (maybe catch a cheeseburger and some cheap beer)