I love the look in someones face when they are truly engaged in a conversation. The body language is there, the conversation flows and you can tell that you’ve struck conversation gold. It’s so nice.
As humans, which I think you probably are, we really enjoy talking about ourselves and the things we like. It’s not really as selfish as it seems, it’s just how we’re wired. Sure, we can be polite and make it through conversations that aren’t particularly interesting, but we thrive when we’re engaged and the topics are dear to us.
So how can you use this nice tidbit of information to your advantage? Easy.
When you’re talking to someone, whether it be an event, party, encounter in a long grocery store line or whatever, get to the topics that the person you’re talking to likes.
My favorite way to do this: Simply replace “So what do you do?” with “What’s your story?” Bam. Done.
“What do you do?” usually sparks a conversation about work and the daily grind, and a lot of people really don’t like their job. Even if they do like it, it consumes their life for 40+ hours per week and that’s enough. Don’t make them go over THAT again.
“What’s your story?” is much more personal, but not in a creepy way. This will get to topics such as hobbies, travels, schools attended, former home cities/countries, current home cities/countries, family and passions really fast. It kind of skips all the formalities that many of our boring conversations go through before getting to any real valuable or memorable stuff.
It’s way cooler to do this, trust me. I’m no networking or conversational genius, in fact I’m still kind of quiet, but this is a great method that I use all the time.
So, what’s your story?
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Much better way. That question has always bugged me (for different reasons at different times).
People love to talk about themselves, their hobbies, their passions, etc. Myself included. Most people though, in my opinion, stop at the surface level. A subconscious label is put on someone after they reveal what they do, or what they are into. If you really want to engage, to show the kind of interest you mention above, then it’s important to probe a bit deeper.
I find it is easier to look for an “In”. A natural conversation starter that isn’t “What do you do” or any other form of that expression.
- Jonny
I DO THIS!
I love this method. You find so much more about a person than “how are you doing?” [fine] or “what do you do”[insert job here].
I wish I would have written this
@ james – It is kind of a weird question, but I love it anyway. Sometimes people look at me funny when I say it.
@ alan – Probing deeper is the way to go for sure. I like to ask this question to get a better understanding of what a person is all about, and then go into specifics and get down to more details. Thanks!
@ jonny – An in is a great thing to find. Like I just responded to Alan, asking this specific question often times guides me to something that we can find common ground on and discuss further.
@ joel – Saweeet! Write your own version, no reason why you can’t! :-)
Thanks guys. Always makes my day reading such great comments.
Sometimes I just won’t ask anything at all and I’ll wait to see what comes to the other person’s mind. Normally, they don’t start talking about work since I haven’t asked them about it and when left on their own to decide what to talk about, they’ll usually pick something random, but much more interesting. Of course, there are normally a few seconds of awkward silence but it helps avoid the typical ‘what do you do?’ conversation…
@ earl – So you like a little game of conversation chicken huh? I’m going to try doing this for sure. Usually I jump right into the question asking to avoid the kind of awkward silence. Thanks for such a great comment!
I hate talking to people, but i’m going to try this! i’m sure it’s all in the delivery of the phrase so I hope I don’t blow it.
Nate, I’ve learned the same thing. It’s actually very boring to ask where someone works. Like you, I’ve noticed that most people aren’t really all that thrilled with their job so there’s no spark in that conversation.
I started asking people things like, “What are you passionate about?” or “What’s really exciting in your life right now?” These kinds of questions are instantly more interesting and you get much more enthusiasm.
Great post!
hi nate, this post really made me smile. It’s a great idea, but got to say it’s a very american thing; I can’t see it going down too well in jolly old england where i live… people would look at me like I was a weirdo!
@ ele – Interesting! And I love the description of “jolly old England.” So funny. Try it anyway, embrace your inner weirdo :-)
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